Welcome to Syfy Schlock!, a recurring column devoted to those infamous movies hailing from “The Most Dangerous Night on Television”. Indeed, I’m reliving Syfy née the Sci Fi Channel’s bygone weekend programming, which included some of the most dubiously made creature-features, supernatural slashers, and disaster movies to ever grace the small screen. And if you have even an iota of nostalgia for that now-obsolete age of reckless, low-tier entertainment as I do, then you’ve come to the right place.
I’m christening this column with a movie I’d consider a tad better than its contemporaries, although that bar for quality from Syfy Original Movies is virtually on the floor. Nevertheless, Brenton Spencer’s Never Cry Werewolf (2008) is a fun, if not imitative and undemanding slice of teen horror. And although it’s clear what more iconic and revered movie this one is blatantly aping, Never Cry Werewolf still gets by on its charms. Even more expensive movies can’t always do that.
What immediately sticks out about Never Cry Werewolf is its leading actor, Nina Dobrev, who has since gone on to bigger and, without much argument, better things. Oddly enough, one of those better things was a bit of a lateral career move; after graduating from the Canadian melodrama that is Degrassi, Dobrev headed the supernatural soap The Vampire Diaries (2009–2017). The UK release of this movie — retitled Uncaged — certainly made sure to mention that show’s title on the artwork, in hopes of luring in fans. Talk about a rude surprise for the more unprepared watchers who weren’t at all familiar with Syfy’s game.
Needless to say, this movie is Fright Night in werewolves’ clothing. Dobrev’s character suspects her new neighbor (played by Peter Stebbings) is a killer, only to then learn he’s a literal monster. Making the copycatting more unmistakable is the inclusion of a TV charlatan turned ally (played by the now-problematic Kevin Sorbo). An aspect that does differ — and substantially so — from Tom Holland’s ’80s cult film, however, is the lack of queerness.
Similar to the 2000s remake of The Hitcher, minor plot tinkering led to the incidental omission of any possible homoerotic subtext. By that I mean Stebbings’ werewolf, a hot mechanic type named Jared, is unambiguously straight now. Don’t count on him having a live-in interior decorator. No, Jared is hetero as hell, and he has not only laid lusty eyes on his greatest accuser, Dobrev’s teenage Loren, he will quash potential rivals, namely the sorta-boyfriend (Sean O’Neill) who later becomes the werewolf’s reluctant assistant.
Never Cry Werewolf is an easier-to-swallow pill from a niche of horror already considered to be an acquired taste. Syfy Originals are shabby on the regular, yes, but this movie has more going for it, all thanks to humor — part of Loren’s research is a video rental called “The Werewolf’s Bris” — and a performance both alluring and intense from Stebbings. Even Sorbo, despite his modern reputation, is a small delight as the movie’s analog for Roddy McDowall’s Fright Night character.
As it turns out, screenwriter John Sheppard wrote the forgotten and Canadian-shot American Nightmare (1983), a sleazy and giallo-inspired thriller, as well as all the segments in the truly obscure anthology Mania: The Intruder (1986). If you were me, you’d be floored by these facts. Then in more recent times, Sheppard penned a somewhat lousy found-footager called Crowsnest (2012). Like Never Cry Werewolf, though, all those aforementioned titles lack in originality and feebly suck from the creative juices of better movies, but particular elements raise them a degree on the enjoyability scale. So it’s not always about innovation. Often the curation and remixing of familiar beats and ideas is the key to success. Or, at the very least, my amusement.
The second half of this wolf-themed double-feature is a far cry from Never Cry Werewolf, believe it or not. It’s also more typical of Syfy’s former Saturday genre fare. For sure, Monsterwolf (2010) is in good company with those numerous, in-network movies about ancient creatures pissed off by modern man. From dragons to legendary birds of prey, no prehistoric or mythical beast was too large for a Syfy Original. Being able to achieve a convincing depiction of them, on the other hand, was the real challenge.
Director Todor Chapkanov, whose Syfy résumé includes Copperhead, Ghost Town and True Bloodthirst, works from a plug-and-chug script by Charles Bolon, whose only other screen credit is the Kristy Swanson-starring Swamp Shark. And based on how Monsterwolf turned out, it would appear the director and writer weren’t on the same page about the kind of movie they were making. This starts out conventionally enough for Syfy — by accident, humans release a sort of guardian beast and now struggle to contain or appease it — until a slice-of-life component slips in. In a way, Monsterwolf ends up behaving more like a Hallmark pic, just now with a ferocious creature running around.
Leonor Varela plays Maria, a character who, at her core, isn’t all that different from the average Hallmark leading lady. She’s from a big city, is weary from her job, and, without her knowing it yet, needs a change of scenery. And upon arriving back in her Louisiana hometown as part of a joyless work assignment, Maria rekindles an old flame (Jason London). There is also this slight estrangement between Maria and her father. So, yeah, if not for the 200-pound wolf on the loose, this story sounds vaguely Hallmark.
Of course, the outcome is far less saccharine and quaint than the image I’ve painted thus far, considering the body-count involved here. The movie even begins with a decent massacre as the namesake tears apart various workmen. This grim but brief set-piece would have been a promising start had the camera stayed still long enough to capture anything of note. That frenetic style of shooting is, as you might gather, a way to hide the chintzy CGI for the creature. Mist, darkness and rain are utilized as well, albeit in vain.
Monsterwolf progresses into its hoary A-plot concerning a disturbed Native American shrine, corporate evils, and how the wolf, really a made-up beasty called Cachina Hua’a, is a benevolent force doing its sacred duty. Right… Essentially, it’s Jaws if that movie ditched the subtlety about human greed.
What stands out the most about Monsterwolf are its setting — the movie was shot in Louisiana rather than passing parts of Canada off as Louisiana — and the monster. I think everyone can agree that the latter is often the draw of these Syfy Originals. However, this telepic was aired in 2010, so the inclusion of a big-ass wolf wasn’t the result of a sudden interest in dire wolves apropos of Games of Thrones (2011). Instead, the writer came up with the Cachina Hua’a, a literal spirit animal that made me think of Paw Paws, of all things.
This is one of those cases where a movie aims to be anti-racist, yet in the process, they end up being quite racist. Monsterwolf seems enlightened at first, based on Steve Reevis‘ Native American character calling out Robert Picardo’s insensitive character. To the white man throwing around accusations of “un-American” behavior, Chief Turner says to him, “You realize that you just said that to me without a hint of irony?” Droll as that may be, the woeful script proceeds to dig itself into a corner, relying on mysticism stereotypes that were antiquated even back in 2010.
As derivative as it is, Never Cry Werewolf was Syfy straying from the formula it had become known for, whereas Monsterwolf is a true creature of habit; it has all four of its paws firmly planted on the ground, refusing to act out of character. Obviously I prefer the former movie, as far as rewatch value goes, but there is also something bewilderingly comforting about the other one’s mediocrity. Go figure.
Stay tuned for more Syfy.
Tales from the Paulside 
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